Councilspeak

We have an allotment, well 2 in fact. We have had them for quite a few years now & they are tended assiduously by the very dear MrB with, sadly, very little input from me. The burden of guilt is heavy.

The site has worked well for years; we have water in dip tanks & taps, the council cut the main grass paths & take the rubbish away & every now & then heaps of stable manure are delivered.

The site has 2 entrances, one for vehicles is on a main road & near a large junction & consequently not easy to drive into. The second, pedestrian entrance gives access to a large cemetery. A number of allotment holders, us included drive through the cemetery & park close to that gate. This has been going on for many years.

2 recent developments;

• The council want to hand the management of the site over to the allotment holders; part of its money saving measures. At present consultation is minimal; we don’t have an allotment association or any fancy stuff like that. I understand the ‘threat’ is that rents will double if the council cuntinue the management of the site.
• They are going to close the gate from the cemetery.

All this is very interesting & no doubt very boring for you dear reader, but what has really made me laugh about the whole thing is the language of the council member of staff with whom MrB has been corresponding. I have been close to hysterics over his mangling of the English language:

  “Furthermore, we are not satisfied that all use of the gate in question is absolutely necessary and are concerned that, increasingly, vehicles are driving through the cemetery that are not on business that is directly related to it. In other words, some are simply using it because it is there and they are not being challenged.”

“I am sure that you will be aware of the Council's grave funding problems”

“In the long term our priority is the security of the cemetery and the future cemetery gate closing arrangements will not necessarily be overly accommodating to allotment holders who remain on site late into the evening and so using the main and proper allotment gate will be a good habit for tenants to adopt henceforth.”

Why use 1 word when at least 10 will do! Was the ‘grave funding’ a joke? Probably not as I suspect he has had a sense of humour by-pass!